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by Helen Quinlan
♫ Anyway - Heeeere's HELEN! ♥
Sing While You Drive
You know you’ve had too much coffee when:
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I’m in a good mood, it turns green.
When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
"How well do you handle changes in your life?"
It is not enough to merely recognize the need for change. We must welcome it and encourage it. Yes, change is difficult and the older we get, the more difficult it is to change. We need people to do new things and we need people to do some of the old things in new ways. WHAT we change, HOW we change, WHERE we change, WHEN we change all help us to be grateful for those things that always seem to remain the same.
Two blonds living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.
One blond says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blond turns and says, "Hellooooooooo, can you see Florida... ?????"
For years I had been telling my friend Pete that he ate too much fast food, but he always denied it.
One day he admitted I was right. "What changed your mind?"
"My grandson. When my daughter told him I was coming to visit, he asked, 'Grandpa from Florida, or Grandpa from Pizza Hut?'"
Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year....that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven’t heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.
A policeman spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving alongside her car, he shouted out the window, "Pull over!"
"No," she shouted back, "a pair of socks!"
The Indians gave Chris a bill for docking his boat. Luckily, Columbus was carrying his "DISCOVER CARD."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
There are a lot of folks who can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in "America".
Well, there’s a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California and Oklahoma.
All our "dipsticks" are in Washington, D.C.
"Young man, where do you work?" the judge asked the defendant.
"Here and there," said the man.
"What do you do for a living?"
"This and that."
"Take him away," said the judge.
The mans said, "Wait a minute! When will I get out?"
The judge replied, "Sooner or later."
A man was visiting an Assisted Living Home. While he was there, a bell rang out very loudly. He asked the attendant "if that was the fire bell?" The attendant said, "no", it’s the dinner bell. We have 2 lines:"CANE" and "ABLE."
You’re not as young as you used to be.......but....Your not as old as you’re going be.....So watch it.
Do not resent growing old. Many are denied the PRIVILEGE.
Take the Time
He hadn’t time to pen a note
He hadn’t time to cast a vote
He hadn’t time to sing a song
He hadn’t time to love or give
He hadn’t time to really live
From now on he’ll have time on end
He died today, my "busy" friend.
A man asked the Judge what the penalty is for bigamy. The Judge said, "2 mothers-in-law, what else?"
Should you hapen to find a misteak in this publication, pleese consider that it was plased their for a reasun.
We publish something for everyone and some people are always looking for mistakes. Just keeping you happy.
A man came into the doctor's office with both ears badly burned.
"I was ironing some shirts and I had the telephone sitting on the ironing board," he explained.
"When the phone rang, I picked up the iron by mistake and put it to my ear. And to make it worse, the call turned out to be a wrong number."
"But how did you burn the other ear?" asked the doctor.
"The dumbbell called back again," said the man.
Senior Citizens are the nations leading carriers of Aids!